In the early spring of 2025 I was contacted by a Captain of a local police department. As a Licensed Professional Counselor, typically people reach out to me seeking therapy for themselves or a loved one. This is not what Captain Adam Meyers was seeking. Nor was he contacting me regarding any official police business. Captain Adam Meyers was reaching out to share his story in hopes that his experiences may help others understand what they’re going through, recognize that they are not alone, and find ways to cope effectively.

Initially, Captain Meyers shared his story with me and gave me permission to share however I saw fit. Upon reading his story I felt compelled to learn more about his experiences with mental health, therapy, and what helped him to recover from the dark hole he found himself in. He was more than willing to take time to answer my questions. Below is the entirety of the story Captain Meyers shared with me followed by the Q&A we engaged in afterwards.

Warning: the following story is graphic in nature and may be difficult to read.

Per Captain Meyers:

The Aftermath of a Police Officer’s Critical Incident

My name is Adam and I have been a Police Officer in Wisconsin for 23 years. I am also a Certified Peer Specialist in Wisconsin. I began my law enforcement career in 2001 after serving as an active duty United States Army Military Policeman. In April 2016, I was involved in a critical incident that changed my life forever when I used deadly force on someone who armed themselves with a hatchet inside a busy department store. This person died.

I suffered in silence for many years after my critical incident and I am ashamed for the ways I poorly coped. I still feel shame for the ways I coped and treated people. I find it hard to believe that nobody realized or even had a gut feeling that I was not doing well. I could not have been that good at hiding my poor coping strategies, or was I? I have always wondered if people were slowly watching me self-destruct because they did not know what to say to me, how to help me, or they simply did not want to get involved.

It has taken me many years to get back on track. There are many different coping strategies people may use after experiencing trauma. They may be good and healthy, or they may be bad and unhealthy. My coping strategies were bad, unhealthy, self-destructive, and dangerous. I used alcohol, marijuana, casual sex, and self-harm as some of my poor coping strategies for years after my critical incident.

My poor coping strategies easily put my relationships, job, and health at risk, but I did not care. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling. I wanted to numb my emotions, my thoughts, my body, and any memory of taking someone’s life. I wanted to feel better even if only momentarily. I was selfish, reckless, and I did not care how my self-destructive and dangerous behavior may have affected my family, friends, children, co-workers, and the public.

There were many times after my critical incident that I did not want to go to work. This was not because I had other plans or that I was hungover from consuming too much alcohol, another one of my poor coping strategies, but because I just wanted to stay at home and isolate myself from the world. I wanted to lock all the doors of my home, close all the curtains, and shut everyone out of my life–which I did many times for many years. Sure, I called in sick from time to time, but on one occasion, I intentionally injured myself so that I didn’t have to work. I used an old 12-inch adjustable steel wrench to cause superficial injuries to my left knee. I struck my knee a dozen or more times, enough to cause redness, abrasions, and bruising, and limped into the local emergency room. I explained to the doctor and nurses that I had tripped and fallen down walking out of the back door of my house and struck my knee on the steel covering of an underground septic tank. My story was believable enough. I received X-rays of my knee, a prescription for pain medication, and crutches. I was discharged from the emergency room with a doctor’s letter releasing me from work for about one week. This occurred during a busy holiday work week. Although I was not able to truly celebrate the holiday, this deception got me out of work and I was able to enjoy the time alone at home.

Another way I was able to get out of working was to intentionally make myself sick. I remember while taking a shower before my shift I was thinking about the many ways I could get out of work. While I was putting on my ballistic vest, uniform, boots, and duty belt, I thought to myself, I’m going to get out of working by binge eating and making myself vomit. I constructed a plan to visit the local Burger King drive-thru while traveling to work. I ordered a bunch of breakfast food and made sure I washed it down with a large soda and a large orange juice. I needed to make sure I added beverages to my breakfast buffet to ensure it would all come back up easier.

I continued to travel to work and passed the local McDonald’s and thought, two is better than one. I quickly binged what I purchased from McDonald’s and proceeded to work.

I arrived at work and upon exiting my vehicle I masterfully played the role of the “sick employee.” I walked into the police department and made myself vomit in the bathroom. I made sure the bathroom door remained open so that anyone walking by could see or hear me. I made sure that not all my vomit made it into the toilet and landed on the floor for added effect. I was immediately sent home.

Another of my many poor coping strategies I used was abusing alcohol. Prior to the incident, I collected wine and enjoyed a glass every now and then. However, after, I began abusing liquor, mainly whiskey and the cheapest vodka I could get my hands on. I would consume whiskey and vodka straight from their bottles, on the rocks, or I would create my own cocktails by combining over-the-counter liquid sleeping or liquid allergy medicines. There were times I would mix in whatever leftover prescription medicines I had in the medicine cabinet, and it didn’t matter if they were prescribed to me or someone else.

For example, I remember one instance when my oldest daughter had leftover prescribed liquid cough medicine containing codeine. I combined whatever was remaining in the bottle with a glass of wine. I was on a prescribed anti-depressant called Venlafaxine while I was abusing alcohol. The label on this medication specifically stated, “DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION.” A warning label did not deter me from abusing alcohol. I very well could have blacked out and never woken up from consuming these dangerous cocktails, but at the time I did not care. Abusing alcohol may have been a quick fix, but it caused me even more stress, anxiety, and depression.

In September 2018, I drafted a written contract with myself to not consume alcohol. I don’t remember writing the contract, but there was something inside of me that recognized how self-destructive alcohol was. This contract quickly became null and void because it took me another three years to reduce my alcohol consumption.

Another way I dangerously coped was by drinking and driving. Prior to attending any type of social event, even as simple as going to the grocery store, I would consume alcohol. I would travel to a nearby gas station and purchase many small bottles of liquor containing about 1.5 ounces of whiskey, vodka, or whatever I could afford at the time. I would immediately consume the alcohol in my vehicle prior to traveling to my destination. I tossed the empty bottles in the back of my vehicle or out the window while I was driving. I would rationalize that it would take about 30 minutes for me to feel the effects of the alcohol, and by the time I was impaired I would have arrived at my destination. I was very fortunate that I was not arrested for drinking and driving or even worse, killing someone.

Another example of risky and reckless behavior that I am still ashamed of today involved alcohol, operating while impaired, and my youngest daughter. I was consuming alcohol late morning into the early afternoon and had to pick up my youngest daughter at her mother’s (my ex-wife’s) house and take her to gymnastics. As we drove to gymnastics, I took the wrong turn and drove 21 miles out of the way. I drove for 61 miles impaired by alcohol. For 46 miles, I had my youngest daughter with me.

I used casual sex as a coping strategy and to distract myself from my emotional discomfort and pain. I would meet women and sometimes within 30 minutes, we would have sex. This caused me more stress and anxiety than anything else. Sure, I felt great during sex, but it caused me more harm than good. I was constantly worried about pregnancy and contracting a Sexually Transmitted Disease. Although this type of sexual behavior was risky, self-destructive, and caused me stress and anxiety, it was not enough to convince me to stop. I wanted an instant feel-good escape from my life and casual sex provided that for me.

Another dangerous and unimaginable way I coped was by putting my duty weapon to my head. During my critical incident, it was a Glock 22 Gen 4 – 40 Caliber. I put this weapon to my head at least a dozen times. Sometimes I even placed the barrel in my mouth. I would always remove the magazine, but for those of you who are not familiar with a Glock, if you don’t rack the slide and remove the round from the chamber (barrel) it will still discharge a round. I very easily could have accidentally killed myself. My rationalization was that I simply wanted to hear and feel the metallic click of the trigger being pulled while the barrel of the gun was resting against my right temple. I did this while I was under the influence of alcohol. I still do not truly understand why I did this, and sometimes wonder how many times it happened while I was excessively consuming alcohol. I am very fortunate to be alive.

In December 2021 I experienced a panic attack during an active shooter training which lead to a psychological assessment in January 2022. The assessment lasted seven hours and resulted in a nine-page mental health diagnoses. I was thinking about not being honest during the evaluation.  I thought I could beat the evaluation. I chose to be honest with the evaluation and myself; that was the only way I would receive the type of help I need.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD with Acute Stress – with Dissociative Features by the police department’s psychologist and deemed Unfit for Duty. This meant I was not able to return to work and needed to undergo intense Psychotherapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Biofeedback, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

I requested a 90 day leave of absence to work on my mental health in hope of returning to duty. I attended therapy two and three days a week for 90 days.  I was finally undergoing the right kind of mental health treatment that helped me heal and understand why I adapted to poor coping strategies to self-medicate myself. I only wished I would have begun this therapy five years earlier, but it was better later than never.

In April 2022, during my leave of absence, I was placed on a safety plan because of my suicidal ideations. The psychological exam discovered an elevated risk of harm to myself. I agreed to not engage in self-harm, destructive or life-threatening behavior, or any other high-risk behavior to myself or others. I don’t remember ever wanting to die by suicide, but my behaviors were very evident that I was heading in that direction.  There were many nights I would pray to God that he would not let me wake up in the morning.

In May 2022, I met with my police chief and was told my leave of absence was not going to be extended.  I was given the option to resign or I would be terminated.  I chose not to resign and was terminated.

What next? I had been diagnosed with a mental illness, on a safety plan, and terminated from a job I’ve wanted since I was a little boy. I had been employed with the police department for 14 years. What if I would have gone home and died by suicide. It was almost as if the police department washed their hands of me. I was ghosted by my co-workers. The same people who not only knew me professionally but personally. They knew my family, my daughters, helped me move, and even came to me with their own personal and professional mental health challenges. I would have died for them. I felt hopeless, helpless, and abandoned. I was devastated.

I continued weekly therapy that includes in-person Psychotherapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). I am also prescribed Lexapro (20mg) and Propranolol (as needed) which are medications that help me with my depression and generalized anxiety.

I have faced many personal and professional mental health challenges after my critical incident and it has taken me many years to get back on track. I am currently a police captain in Wisconsin. I am where I am today because I finally put myself first and moved past my poor coping strategies.  I would not have been successful with healing my mental health without the unwavering support of my Family, Friends, Colleagues, Counselors, and even complete Strangers. I am very grateful and will never be able to put into words how much their support means to me.

I also want to thank my Police Chief Shawn McGee for strongly supporting my mental mental health and the mental health of his officers. Chief McGee is helping to stop the stigma of mental health in the law enforcement profession. Chief McGee doesn’t just talk the talk – he puts his words into action.

Please reach out to someone if you believe they are struggling with their mental health. I know it may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but most people will not admit they are struggling, and most people will not reach out for help. You could be a light during a very dark time in their life. Remember, it’s okay to talk about your mental health. You are not alone. Please don’t suffer in silence.

Q&A with Captain Adam Meyers

Q: Did you ever experience depression or feel depressed prior to the on-the-job incident? If so, in what ways did you experience this and how did you manage it?

A: I’ve experienced stress, anxiety, and depression before my critical incident, but not in the same ways as after. My experiences occurred while in high school, college, and in the Army – I had never experienced significant trauma like killing someone before my critical incident. However, I didn’t understand why or what I was experiencing and thought it was just a normal everyday thing that happens to you in life. I never thought about self-harm or suicide (having a plan) until after my critical incident.

Q: Did you ever experience PTSD prior to the on-the-job incident? If so, in what ways did you experience this and how did you manage it?

A: I’m not sure – at least nothing I can clearly say was PTSD from an event.  I assume I experienced something due to the professions I was in. (police officer, 911 police/fire/ems dispatcher, 3^rd shift police evidence technician (investigated homicides, suicides, gang driveby shooting, etc.), Army Military Police and the fact I was married and had two daughters.  Being married, having two children and juggling that with a career can be stressful, cause anxiety, and other mental health challenges.

Q: What symptoms were you experiencing that led you to attempt to cope in the ways you described?

A: I was experiencing hypervigilance, paranoia, guilt, shame, thoughts that “I’m not good enough”. I wanted to numb my feelings and hide from everyone. I always thought that something negative or bad was going to happen to me. That people were out to get me.

Q: What do you feel prevented you from reaching out for help sooner?

A: I thought I could handle it and I could fix things. I went to therapy on and off, but overall, I believed that the therapists truly didn’t understand me. I believe therapy was a waste of time and that I could figure things out.  I was wrong. When it came right down to it I didn’t believe that anyone understood me or even cared about me.  I needed to take care of things myself. The stigma connected with mental health is strong in the law enforcement profession. I was worried that if I truly reached out for help I would lose my livelihood, the job I’ve wanted since I was a little boy. “All I’ve ever wanted to be was a cop.”  – which ultimately happened to me when I finally decided to seek help in December 2021.

Q: How could others in your life have been more supportive in a helpful way? What could they have done that would’ve led you to cope differently or seek help sooner?

A: It was easy for me to hide my struggles from most of my family and friends because they lived 3-4 hours away.  Even if they had a gut feeling that something was wrong with me they didn’t have any tangible proof. Family and Friends reached out on occasion and asked me how I was, and I would say, “I’m o.k.” or “I’m fine.” But I was far from it.

I wish the police department would have followed up with me more after I was cleared from my shooting and returned to duty.  I felt that everyone thought, “Adam’s o.k. If Adam needs help he’ll ask.” But I wouldn’t ask.  I was always known as the happy go lucky goofball.  That was just a façade.  I would walk around the police department making up my own goofy songs, but deep down I was struggling.

Q: What have you found to be most helpful in therapy?

A: Finding the right therapist is what is the most helpful.  I attend therapy every week. On Mondays at 5:00 p.m. I’m sitting on the couch talking with my therapist. I have found that talk therapy has been helpful, but EMDR really opened things up.

Q: How would you describe the way in which EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy) helped you cope with your experiences/emotions?

A: EMDR has been incredibly helpful.  I discovered during EMDR that I have a constant theme (or thought) of not being good enough.  Through talk therapy and EMDR I’ve realized that this “I’m not good enough” thought has been with me throughout my life.  However, it was discovered during EMDR.  I had always prided myself with being able to not use force on someone.  I’ve never even pepper sprayed or used my baton on someone.  I’ve used my taser a few times.  During my critical incident I had no choice but to use deadly force. For about 6 years after my shooting I thought “I wasn’t good enough” because I had to shoot someone.

Q: How would you describe the way in which DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) helped you cope with your experiences/emotions?

A: DBT helped me to slow things down, have increased self-awareness, and remain focused at the task at hand without having my emotions consume me.

Q: What would you like to say to anyone who is experiencing similar symptoms?

A: What you are experiencing is normal.  It may not feel normal, but there are so many people who have experienced the same thing.  Please reach out for help even if you don’t understand what you may be thinking or feeling.

Q: What would you like to say specifically to police officers, first responders, or military veterans?

A: It’s o.k. to talk about your mental health. You are not alone. Please don’t suffer in silence. I understand how hesitant you can be about asking for help, but please don’t try to handle it on your own. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Acute Stress w/ dissociative features and PTSD. After years of suffering in silence I finally put myself first and received the help I needed to become healthier, both mentally and physically, and live a better life. I finally put myself first lice a healthier and happy life.  

Q: You have a website www.stopthethreatstopthestigma.org – What can others do, whether they’re police officers or civilians, to support your cause and help to enact change to better support police officers struggling with mental illness?

A: I began speaking about my critical incident and mental health in 2019 at Waukesha County Technical College.  In 2020 I created the Stop The Threat – Stop The Stigma Facebook page. In 2021 I registered Stop The Threat Stop The Stigma as an LLC. I established Stop The Threat Stop The Stigma to promote law enforcement wellness in hope that by sharing my experience others will do the same. I ask that if you are struggling or know someone who is to please reach out to them and let them know they are not alone.